Psychiatry Ward

In march I talked with my school counselor about some problems I was having. She sent me to a psychotherapist for two months. He sent me to my family doctor who immediately sent me to the emergency room. The mental health response team sent three people one at a time to speak with me and they were all equally intrigued. They sent me to the psychiatry ward overnight, escorting me down with two security guards.

My hospital bracelet was the type that was not allowed to leave the hospital. They took  my phone and a pair of pliers from my bag. The person who searched the bag was a moron, they missed the second pair of pliers. I was in the ward with a cannabis addict, suicide girl, a twelve year old, a guy who was tormented by demons(evil spirit kind), and an awkward parkour enthusiast. They were all nice people, the nurses too.

You are to go to your room to sleep at nine pm. The walls are bare, the furniture is sanded down, the toothbrush is designed so that you cannot fashion a shank out of it, there is nothing to hurt yourself off of except the floor which I used for pushups and bracket crunches. The doors only have the illusion of privacy. At any time a nurse can push open the door to check on you. They do not have to turn a knob, the door is weakly held in place by a roller. Doors can only be locked with a key from outside.

The courtyard is smaller than my backyard. You can play basketball, but if you start learning wall running from the local parkour enthusiast then the nurses come out to put an end to it.

I had to wait a total of 22 hours to speak to the actual psychiatrist. He asked me questions about work, and I answered entirely including a demonstration of my tentatively legendary sales skills. I asked him if I could have a day pass to work today, and an overnight for Saturday for an event that I will not describe. He told me that I would be out before then. I left the interview telling them "BTW, the person who checked my bag was an idiot". Sucks that he was late, I was not able to get out and go to my orientation to my local gym. My parents came by every once in a while out of worry. I wish they did not worry like that, it is bothersome when I am doing fine.

There were groupwork sessions where all of the crazies got in a room together, ate lunch, and learned about feelings. It was informative.

Then I was discharged. The only thing that they found that was even slightly off was my grasp of social cues, perhaps because of the "idiot who checked my bag comment". They labeled me as complex, gave me a survey to fill out and pushed me out.

I guess I am not their kind of crazy. They are psychiatrists, they look for chemistry related mental illness. Whatever may be wrong with me is strictly inherent or behavioral. At least I got a psych-ward bracelet as a souvenir.

This does not help me at all

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Very High
Schizoid:	Very High
Schizotypal:	Very High
Antisocial:	High
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

If I am all of these things I should be disposed of. But there is no way I have all of them right? I have been told I am smart. I have delusions of split personalities.  A smart narcissist could choose to appear less like a narcissist in order to be superior. Avoidants avoid things, including the truth. Paranoid look for problems,what if I am just looking for patterns that are not there. One of these disorders  exaggerates their problems for attention. 

The only way to know for sure is the doctors diagnosis

Pancakes Like Grandma Used to Make

2 Cups of Flour
3 TBSP Sugar
Pinch of Salt
1 TBSP Baking Powder
 Mix that up in a bowl

2 eggs
1/4 Cup of butter
2 TBSP Sour cream
Mix that up in a separate bowl

Put it all together and add milk to taste. less milk yields thick pancakes, more makes thin pasty pancakes.

Put that mix in a frying pan. Wait until you see bubbles around the edge or the pancakes slides around freely to flip them.

I have already forgotten about this blog

I want to learn how to love myself.

For the longest time I have devoted myself to being a positive influence on others. I try to teach and assist as much as I can. There is no higher purpose to me. At the same time, something feels off. I have trouble continuing conversations, and people scare me if I feel that I am not making their lives better. This is especially true with my relationships because I do not know how to give my love without complimenting, kissing, or serving.

I do not have a good relationship with my family either. I shut myself off from them and get angry when they try to help me. I did something bad and that was the point when I sought out counseling services. My counselor is not much help to me, and suggests that if I want to know what is wrong with me, I should seek out my doctor.

The process is taking a long time. March was the time that ponychan told me to get help, and I still have no diagnosis. So I went back to the internet and looked around some medical journals. THIS PLACE WAS HELPFUL. My symptoms correspond with depression, post traumatic stress disorder, schizoid and schizophrenia related disorders, and bipolar disorder. This scares me, but I cannot say for sure if any of them actually apply until I speak to a professional.

The only advice that keeps popping up is to love myself. so now I'm here.

First thing's first, falling in love with myself. I consider myself attractive, I have some rhythm. My artistic talents are nice to have. Even though I have little motivation, I have an obsessive quality that I can use to help me learn. I am lazy, until others need me to work hard. I am a voice of reason, but cannot control some of my own impulses. This step is surprisingly hard because even if I accept my strengths and weaknesses, that will not make me approve of myself. The best I can do is to pat myself on the back for at trying to improve, that is my virtue.

Second step, eliminate self criticism. This is difficult, there is no hour that goes by without a self criticism. I will have to ignore the temptation to berate myself. No, if I wrong someone and the world does not punish me, the criticism will happen. Letting go of the criticism is letting go of my morals. A river might need a very strong dam, or with less effort can be directed to a better path. Instead of punishing my self, I will rehabilitate. Instead of  "I should not have" "I will do better next time".

Third step, be kind and positive to yourself. I treat others the way that I want to be treated, with uplifting words. It is time for me to look in the mirror and praise.

Fourth step, acknowledge my efforts. I will, as long as I have tried my hardest.

Fifth step, Let go of worry. It will get me no where. Instead, work on improving the situation and accepting the outcome.

Six. Trust myself. I do not.

Seven. Forgive myself. For being weak, for being selfish. I should also forgive myself for being hopeful. Is it wise to forgive myself for hurting others? I will forgive myself, as long as I promise not to forget and when I get the chance, to make things right.

Eight. Be truthful about my feelings. I always tell people "I'm fantastic." to me, those words mean nothing. In this world there is a lot of strife. Even when I am feeling my worst, someone has suffered more. Compared to some of my own experiences, a stubbed toe or a broken phone are nothing to be sad about. This mindset of mine has to be changed. I feel sad because I am lost in my world. I am happy because people love me. Right now, I have no clue. Normally I choose to switch between my Happy, my Melancholy and my Mirror. Now I have only to focus on me and it is numb. That is how I am, what I am feeling is numb.

Nine. Grow spiritually. Hare krishna hare krishna krishna krishna hare hare hare rama hare rama rama rama hare hare. The universe can be stuffed into a line, the time line. That time line was drawn on a simple canvas inside of its own enormous eternity. It was drawn by a marker. That marker is our God.

Ten. Make positive affirmations everyday. Like I am doing now.

Eleven. Express gratitude. To myself, for being here and for being all that I am, thanks. That I am strong enough to decide myself, thanks man I owe you one. No seriously me, you are trying to be a better person and thank you for that.

Twelve. Nurture my dreams. Make every moment a step towards who I want to be.

Thirteen. Boost my self confidence. By being better. Keep learning until I am confident in my power.

Fourteen. Relax. Every once in a while it is time to flow.

Fifteen. Have fun. I do not get it. Maybe all of it is not serious business.

I get it now. The same way I wish for others to let go of their inhibitions and enjoy things recklessly, I should too.

Sixteen. Look after my body. So far so good. It only gets harder, so I will work to keep from getting too round and eat to keep myself happy.

Seventeen, already? Learn to see beauty. You do not learn to see, you just do it. I can see, now I will make a conscious choice to see the good.

I like the quote that went with the article.

“I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it — I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes.
Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know — but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me.
However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.
I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.”

Denis2005 Virginia Satir quotes (American Psychologist and Educator, 1916-1988)

Toronto Terminal Terrors

This is not my first time in an airport, nor will it be my last. I wished I lived closer to one of these things, soley that I will never have to take the 2hr commute. Not that it makes a difference when you wait 5hrs in the airport itself before the four hour flight. I did not bother getting sleep last night; jetlag finds a way to me, it always does

Did you know that when a plane is delayed 3hrs the airport starts handing out food vouchers? That is right, here in Toronto the corporate machine has decided not to turn us all in the direction of the most expensive food of its kind in the country. Let us all give airports a nice round of applause.

I look at the employees. Their hours long shift is spent behind a counter. Every customer that comes through has no clue what they are doing. Once in a while there is a particularily irate old fart who wants the poor worker to get them through customs and in the air automatically. For the employees who only know their job and could not possibly predict the weather and how that affects flight times. This on top of the orders from their respective bosses (who also have limited knowledge). Poor employees get hit from both sides.

Talent

When I was not too young-a child of eight years old, I liked anime. I really liked anime. It was on the 25th channel every Friday night from 9'o'clock to midnight. Nothing new to me, having grown up so far on Dragon Ball, Yu-gi-oh and Pokemon. What was interesting about the new anime I was watching was that it was rated for older 'mature' audiences. Inuyasha, Naruto, and Full Metal Alchemist all appealed to me in a way that I had never experienced (I experienced the same feeling with ponies years later.) and it frightened me because there was always blood, and curse words, sometimes bewbs, all of which were things that I had never been allowed to watch before. The content was nothing special. The plot, the art, and the violence were articulate in their own ways. It was the dubs that made it impossible to share my anime obsession with others. 

What was I to do? Not wanting to only watch these great shows, I incorporated them further into my life by attempting to mimic them on paper. Pencil was my best friend for the longest time. I sketched, over and over again, just the eyes of my favorite characters. It would take minutes of concentration and focus to try and perfect the iris, and the shading under the eyelash, before I moved on to the rest of the face. Once I was comfortable drawing the face there was the body, and clothing. I discovered that folds and seams were not at all fun to draw, they were subtle, and could be mistaken for the boundary of the cloth. I trained myself to outline the edge of the subject (of my sketch) darker than the rest. This made it easier to practice my shading. Everyday I would tweak my style, the lines became more fluid even though they were crafted out of a hundred little scratches.

Those first drawings were terrible, and I probably tore down a few forests for their sake.

I kept working. I drew all class, read books only to draw what I saw in them, I drew on tests, and books, with chalk, and on the road.

All I saw in my work were the characters on the screen. They were great in my opinion, but there was allways something missing. A proportion was lopsided, a line far too dark. While I continued to evolve artistically, I looked back and saw more mistakes in my past. How could I have made an error like that only a week ago? < A sentiment often felt. Flaws flaws FLAWS.

And people were praising me. They say I have talent.

Goodbyes

There is nothing quite like a goodbye.

For the ones I know I will see again, it is no pain on my part.

For people who will move on without me, I would rather it not happen in the first place. How selfish