For the longest time I have devoted myself to being a positive influence on others. I try to teach and assist as much as I can. There is no higher purpose to me. At the same time, something feels off. I have trouble continuing conversations, and people scare me if I feel that I am not making their lives better. This is especially true with my relationships because I do not know how to give my love without complimenting, kissing, or serving.
I do not have a good relationship with my family either. I shut myself off from them and get angry when they try to help me. I did something bad and that was the point when I sought out counseling services. My counselor is not much help to me, and suggests that if I want to know what is wrong with me, I should seek out my doctor.
The process is taking a long time. March was the time that ponychan told me to get help, and I still have no diagnosis. So I went back to the internet and looked around some medical journals. THIS PLACE WAS HELPFUL. My symptoms correspond with depression, post traumatic stress disorder, schizoid and schizophrenia related disorders, and bipolar disorder. This scares me, but I cannot say for sure if any of them actually apply until I speak to a professional.
The only advice that keeps popping up is to love myself. so now I'm here.
First thing's first, falling in love with myself. I consider myself attractive, I have some rhythm. My artistic talents are nice to have. Even though I have little motivation, I have an obsessive quality that I can use to help me learn. I am lazy, until others need me to work hard. I am a voice of reason, but cannot control some of my own impulses. This step is surprisingly hard because even if I accept my strengths and weaknesses, that will not make me approve of myself. The best I can do is to pat myself on the back for at trying to improve, that is my virtue.
Second step, eliminate self criticism. This is difficult, there is no hour that goes by without a self criticism. I will have to ignore the temptation to berate myself. No, if I wrong someone and the world does not punish me, the criticism will happen. Letting go of the criticism is letting go of my morals. A river might need a very strong dam, or with less effort can be directed to a better path. Instead of punishing my self, I will rehabilitate. Instead of "I should not have" "I will do better next time".
Third step, be kind and positive to yourself. I treat others the way that I want to be treated, with uplifting words. It is time for me to look in the mirror and praise.
Fourth step, acknowledge my efforts. I will, as long as I have tried my hardest.
Fifth step, Let go of worry. It will get me no where. Instead, work on improving the situation and accepting the outcome.
Six. Trust myself. I do not.
Seven. Forgive myself. For being weak, for being selfish. I should also forgive myself for being hopeful. Is it wise to forgive myself for hurting others? I will forgive myself, as long as I promise not to forget and when I get the chance, to make things right.
Eight. Be truthful about my feelings. I always tell people "I'm fantastic." to me, those words mean nothing. In this world there is a lot of strife. Even when I am feeling my worst, someone has suffered more. Compared to some of my own experiences, a stubbed toe or a broken phone are nothing to be sad about. This mindset of mine has to be changed. I feel sad because I am lost in my world. I am happy because people love me. Right now, I have no clue. Normally I choose to switch between my Happy, my Melancholy and my Mirror. Now I have only to focus on me and it is numb. That is how I am, what I am feeling is numb.
Nine. Grow spiritually. Hare krishna hare krishna krishna krishna hare hare hare rama hare rama rama rama hare hare. The universe can be stuffed into a line, the time line. That time line was drawn on a simple canvas inside of its own enormous eternity. It was drawn by a marker. That marker is our God.
Ten. Make positive affirmations everyday. Like I am doing now.
Eleven. Express gratitude. To myself, for being here and for being all that I am, thanks. That I am strong enough to decide myself, thanks man I owe you one. No seriously me, you are trying to be a better person and thank you for that.
Twelve. Nurture my dreams. Make every moment a step towards who I want to be.
Thirteen. Boost my self confidence. By being better. Keep learning until I am confident in my power.
Fourteen. Relax. Every once in a while it is time to flow.
Fifteen. Have fun. I do not get it. Maybe all of it is not serious business.
I get it now. The same way I wish for others to let go of their inhibitions and enjoy things recklessly, I should too.
Sixteen. Look after my body. So far so good. It only gets harder, so I will work to keep from getting too round and eat to keep myself happy.
Seventeen, already? Learn to see beauty. You do not learn to see, you just do it. I can see, now I will make a conscious choice to see the good.
I like the quote that went with the article.
“I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it — I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes.
Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know — but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me.
However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.
I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.”
Denis2005 Virginia Satir quotes (American Psychologist and Educator, 1916-1988)
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